So as I’ve mentioned earlier, I’m making it a point to seek out and view every Sci-Fi original movie that I’ve allowed slip by in the past. It’s a foolish venture, we all know this, but I’m doing it anyway. Admittedly this mission of mine has been a little more painful than I had originally planned, but I KNEW that ‘Alien Apocalypse’ starring Bruce Campbell wouldn’t let me down. Besides, this movie even has garnered a tiny cult following and some of the reviews I’d read beforehand have been absolutely glowing and I think it still holds the distinction as the highest rated Sci-Fi original ever. The IMDB ranking is a little low, but then I do believe that people crap on Sci-Fi originals just to be mean most of the time, without actually watching the movies. Now we also have to take in consideration that Bruce Campbell is the King of the Fanboys, and a lot of these people would take a bullet for the man if they had to, which theoretically could be responsible for some of this movies praise. Not that I don’t love Bruce, you fanboys out there, but you know how you guys are with your blind loyalty. Besides I’m only a couple of degrees removed from the man considering he’s from Detroit Metro just like I’m from Detroit Metro. On top of that, I’m only one degree removed from the director of this movie, Josh Becker who is also a local boy, as the guy who interviewed him for this article, is a good friend of mine. Good luck with that Kidney transplant Jim and we are all in The D 4 Lyfe baby. What I’m avoiding here is having to tell you how much I did not like this movie. Yes, I enjoyed ‘Mansquito’ and ‘Abominable’ and even ‘Alien Siege’ a little bit… but this… not so much.

Aliens have taken over the earth. Our Astronauts which feature Dr. Ivan (Cambell) and Lt. Kelly (Renee O’Connor)… oh and two more folks who we won’t be concerned about, especially the Black Guy, have no idea that this has happened since they’ve been on a cryo mission for the past forty years. What was this mission? As far as I can tell from what they have told me, their mission was to stay away from the earth and sleep for forty years. It was a success.

So after capturing these astronauts, we discover that these bug like aliens have nuked the majority of the planet, killed off most of the humans except for a few they keep around

for slave duty and tasty treats. Dr. Ivan knows that freedom is around the corner so he and Kelly, the pair having fallen in love and stuff by this point, make a break for it. The doc makes it, Kelly is captured, and now we need a plan to get her back and liberate the masses.

Now we get that Mr. Becker’s ‘Alien Apocalypse’ is being presented to us as campy fun, we know this, we’re down with this, and we’re looking forward to this. But recognize that the action we just described to you above all takes place in like the first fifteen minutes of the movie. The next eighty or so minutes consists of us watching Bruce walk in the woods and talk to Bulgarians in bad wigs who struggle with the English language. That’s not campy fun, that’s boring. Painfully so. I’m no expert, but I think for a movie to be considered as campy fun, almost everybody has to be in on the joke and I don’t think anybody told the Bulgarians in the bad wigs that they were being made fun of, because they took this movie pretty darned serious. I’m not even convinced the director was in on the joke because there was a scene in his movie where a woman gets raped, and where I come from Rape and Campy Fun just don’t merge together all that well. Obviously Josh Becker was raised in a much rougher part of Detroit than I was because we never laughed at folks getting raped on my block.

In fact the only person who seemed to be having a good time and was in on the joke for the most part was Bruce Campbell who was dialed into doing that Bruce Campbell thing he does. Rene O’Connor… I don’t think they let her in on the joke either… but Bruce was certainly doing his thing, and nobody can do that thing quite like Bruce Campbell does that thing. Know what I mean?

But Bruce doing his thing just wasn’t enough, at least not for me. Horrid acting, terrible monster CGI, the Earth’s worst wigs and lots of people walking in the woods struggling with the English language stuck under the guise of ‘camp’ doesn’t make it campy. It does however make it a bad movie. This isn’t to say that ‘Alien Apocalypse is completely devoid of entertainment as there is the Bruce Campbell factor which is in full effect, and I do have to admit that the giant bug CGI, these things looked like giant grasshoppers, were so bad that eventually they did turn funny after a while, particularly in the big shootout at the end. Giant Bug and Evasive Maneuvers apparently are two words that just don’t go together. How in the hell did we lose the planet to these clowns?

Hey man, I set my expectations pretty damn low for ‘Alien Apocalypse’, plus it was made by my homeboy so it’s not easy for me to crap on it. But it did not reach these low expectations that we set. We are sad.