So we watched this movie ‘Airline Disaster’ from our friends at The Asylum only because we felt it was a precursor to the Asylum disaster movie we REALLY want to see, that being ‘Titanic 2’ of course, which is still a couple of months away. This disaster movie here is just loosening us up a bit for the inevitable greatness that will be ‘Titanic 2’. The main reason we want to see ‘Titanic 2’ is just to witness the rationale that was written in to justify naming your new luxury liner The Titanic. Are you getting on that ship? I’m not getting on that ship no more than I’m riding in a car called The Pinto 2 or a blimp called the Hindenberg 2. Not gonna happen. Anyway I need to save some of these clever witticisms for that movie when it comes out and focus on ‘Airline Disaster’ despite the fact I have no witticisms to dispense about this movie. Nothing. I got nothing.
The Starquest is the most advanced, amazing, kick-ass passenger jet in whole world and if I heard correctly this Starquest only really needs pilots to take off and land. Like every other passenger jet. At the press conference announcing the maiden voyage of the Starquest we observe a real mean looking, unshaven dude with a partial Mohawk, scars on his face, dressed like a militia paratrooper and a band aid under his eye. I’m gonna go ahead and figure him to be one of the bad guys.
Flying this plane will be old school pilot Joe Franklin as played by the legendary Scott Valentine. At least he’s legendary to us. Joe doesn’t like these newfangled techno gadgets. What Joe does like are his wife and children who have unfortunately been kidnapped by some evil Neo Nazi’s who will be using Joe’s family to make sure Joe does what they want. This might’ve been a little bit on the overkill side since the evil Nazi’s on board the plane, all with band-aids under one eye and led by the ultra evil Robert Stevens (Geoff Mead), have taken over the plane and are shooting people in the face which looks to me like they have this situation completely under control.
Turns out Joe is the baby brother of President Franklin (Meredith Baxter) and the evil Nazi’s are holding Joe, his family and the plane hostage to free their imprisoned brothers. What these Nazi’s don’t know is in the cargo hold of this plane, totally wrecking their plan, is the world’s most adorable secret service agent Gina Vitale (Lindsey McKeon). Cute as a button. But if looks really could kill then she wouldn’t need to user her gun, know what I’m saying? Stole that off of an old 80’s action chick flick.
The situation is a bad one. The jet is losing control knocking over buildings and stuff, poorly rendered CGI fighter jets are following our plane hoping to shoot it out of the sky, the wife and kids are being terrorized on the ground while another special agent (Londale Theus) desperately tries to rescue them, Nazi’s are in the sky shooting people in the face, satellites are shooting space laser beams at city busses (it’s complicated), our lead Nazi has a side-plan… but our super cute special agent has just let her hair down. Oh… it is on.
It will be a challenge but I think if you put some effort into it you might find some enjoyment in ‘Airline Disaster’. You may be thinking that its total bullshit to have to put in extra effort to enjoy a movie, considering it’s the movie’s job to make this happen, but sometimes this is what we have to do my friends. For instance if you happen to possess ANY knowledge about aviation then by all means, leave it outside on the front porch before watching this movie because it will insult your aviation knowledge from the first frame to the last. From security measures, to cockpit layouts, to lower level layouts, to the way the plane handles and moves… anytime a plane the size of a C-130 can do barrel rolls between skyscrapers, we are watching a movie has made up its own rules, rules that could only exist in an alternate reality not associated with the planet Earth. And I know next to nothing about aviation. You may also have a little trouble dealing with the engineering team who thought it was a good idea to put an anti-missile defense system on a passenger jet, this being post 9-11 and all, but it’s all good.
You’re also going to have to get past the fact that Meredith Baxter’s President Franklin is the worst president ever. Warren G. Harding can finally rest easy. She can’t make a decision, she doesn’t know how anything functions in any of the departments she’s in charge of and her handling of the space laser fiasco will surely find her impeached by the time ‘Airline Disaster 2’ rolls around. And don’t get us started about the world’s worst ‘Sky Marshall’. When your Marshall texts goodbye letters to his wife before taking action, he’s lacking some confidence I think.
True enough there are a lot of things that really don’t work in ‘Airline Disaster’ but what about the coup of putting Meredith Baxter and Scott Valentine in a movie together? ‘Family Ties’ reunion anyone? If only they could’ve convinced Justine Bateman to play a stewardess or something. While some of the physics controlling this universe are faulty, I mean if an airplane wing meets the Washington Monument then I truly believe the Washington Monument should win, but there is a lot of action in this movie. Shootouts, exploding monuments, fist fights, exploding fighter jets, space lasers, exploding busses and exploding Neo-Nazi’s. You can’t beat that with a stupid stick.
I think it’s pretty clear that ‘Airline Disaster’ isn’t a very good movie, showing signs of being yet another Asylum rush job, but maybe because we’re still awash in ‘Mega Piranha’ glory, we just aren’t up to totally crapping on it. I found a way to excuse the suspect CGI, terrible physics, invented avionics, shrill overacting, shaky direction, stupid Nazi Terrorist who blow themselves up like idiots and the worlds worst U.S. President. But I don’t know if you can do the same.