Reviewed By

Christopher Armstead
I was getting a little on the concerned side because it had been like a good year since I've seen a Steven Seagal Straight to DVD joint.  That's damned unnatural right there.  So badly I was fiending for some Seagal-ese entertainment, I was forced to put in my copy of 'Today You Die' to see the guy who 'Walks like a Black Man and Breathes like a Killer'.  Still don't know what the hell that means.  But all is right because Stevie is back, along with his favorite director Keoni Waxman, and we have a new Seagal to cue up in 'A Good Man'.  A film where Steven Seagal plays some kind of ex-special forces badass, mumbles his lines, and kicks much ass while being almost completely immobile.  Think Mr. Seagal can do that?  Why yes he can.  Better than anybody ever.

Somewhere in some Middle Eastern nation, the man they call The Ghost (Seagal) and some other dude have been tasked with taking out Bin Laden Part II.  Though I couldn't understand the majority of what Ghost was talking about, other than his relentless profanities, but he was upset that there were only two of them on this mission as opposed to fifteen.  Like that's going to stop him from killing every single one of those bastards… except for the one that got away.

Fast forward a couple of years where Seagal… his character has a name, but why bother?  But Seagal is a handyman at an apartment complex where he helps his toasty neighbor Lena (Iulia Verdes) and her terribly cute little sister Mya (Sofia Nicolaescu) out of some trouble.  Also relevant to this family is big brother Sasha (Victor Webster) who works for the evil Russian mobster Vlad… like he'd be named something else… but only to pay off their old man's debts as Sasha is a really good dude.  This is a recent trend in Seagal's latest films in that we are introduced to a younger, fitter dude who gets most of the screen time and action, with Victor Webster serving that role in this movie.
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Anyway, that man that got away in the op back in the day was Chinese arms dealer Mr. Chen (Tzi Ma), and that's the guy that Seagal really wants to kill, but there are issues.  First Lena works behind the bar at Vlad's strip club, and it doesn't go unnoticed that she's hotter than most of the strippers there.  Second, somebody's been robbing Vlad of his money, money which actually belongs to Mr. Chen, and Mr. Chen doesn't like getting robbed.  But Mr. Chen has noticed the hot bartender as well and will let Vlad off the hook if he just delivers her to him, which of course isn't going to make Sasha happy, and will only make Seagal wince and mumble his lines even worse.  And they've kidnapped the little girl too.  Plan to sell her off to some pedophile or something.  These guys are awful.

What does this all mean?  People have to die is what this means.  Seagal will be effortlessly killing people in his trademark immobile fashion, while Sasha will do all the heavy lifting and absorb most of the abuse while killing people… until the big showdown between Seagal and Mr. Chen.  But we've seen this show before and we know how that's going to end, don't we?

'A Good Man' is fairly typical for these Waxman / Seagal joints, probably a little better than 'Force of Execution' but not nearly as magical as 'A Dangerous Man', though there was some magic here.  Like Mr. Chen starts off talking to our Russian mobster about a Chinese proverb he remembers and he starts off with '… If you stand to close to the river bank…' and then there's a dramatic pause so I start guessing what the second half of the proverb might be.  Stand to close to the river bank and your feet might get wet?  Or the fish will leap into your bag?  Or the waves will carry you away?  No… apparently if you stand to close to the river bank the rotting bodies of your enemies will start floating by.  Worst Proverb Ever.  Even Tzi Ma couldn't make that sound good. 

But as far as the typical stuff, we have more Steve mumbling his lines, more one sided beatdowns, though this time he used a sword for brutal effect, more topless Eastern European women because Steve is a HUGE fan of those, lots of Victor Webster being the true star of this movie since he had to do all the real action, acting, running, and emoting, and a narrative which I will admit I stopped paying attention too about halfway through.  I knew who had to die and I knew who had to kill them so I was good. 

But one thing did kind of bother me, and that was the final scene.  For the life of me I don't know why this wasn't edited out of the movie, but it features our starlet, topless, kind of writhing on a seated, fully clothed in layers Steven Seagal.  I mean it was super creepy and really uncomfortable to watch.  I've seen enough of my man's movies to know that he usually includes a scene like this, but for some reason this one was really disturbing to me.  Maybe because the actress is literally young enough to be his granddaughter, or maybe because the scene flat out didn't belong. 

Anyway, 'A Good Man' was functional Seagal entertainment, meaning this was mediocre nonsense and probably should only be watched by the hardcore among us.  But still way better than those dark Seagal days from mid-2000's.   Please don't take us back there Steve.  Please.
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