Reviewed By

Christopher Armstead
It's not 'Edge of Tomorrow', baby… it's 'Age of Tomorrow' and it's The Asylum getting back to the business of what they do best… or worst… which is mockbusting.  Even though this one seems to be copying Michael Bay's 'Armageddon' only with an alien slant, thus a better title might've been 'Alien Armageddon', but there's already a terrible movie out there with that title.  Worse than this one you ask?  Yes… actually, and this one is no sweet smelling rose.

Meteorites are raining down on Earth including a big one, about the third of the size of the moon, which will end life as we know it.  We wouldn't have known this if it wasn't for crazy hot super scientist Dr. Jane (Kelly Hu) who observed through clever observation and the scientific method that there as a big rock approaching the Earth.  And while there is no comparing 'Edge of Tomorrow' to 'Age of Tomorrow', but the Emily Blunt / Kelly Hu comparison would be a push. 

What The General (Robert Picardo) needs to do is send the best there is on a mission to blow up this meteor before it hits earth, and the best there is happens to be Captain James Wheeler (Anthony Marks) who is still damaged because he lost a man during the last mission in Kandahar or someplace.  If the captain was upset because he lost a single man on that mission, he's gonna be an absolute basket case after this mission.

So the team makes it to the meteor and it's not long that our super scientist realizes that it's not a meteor.  'Do you see what I see?' she would ask.  I don't know they saw, but I saw a room with Xerox copiers in it.  Aliens who make copies.  Even they are trapped in the bureaucracy.  Next thing you know a bunch of orbs go from this meteor to Earth, and some attack our crew.  Some of our crew get vaporized, but not so fast… somehow the scientist figured they weren't vaporized but instead transported which prompted our heroes to jump in front of these laser beams to safety.  Crazy.
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There's also the parallel story of Chris the badass fireman (Lane Townsend) trying to find his bratty teenage daughter.  Wait, did we just call Chris badass?  Badass doesn't even begin to describe what this ax wielding fireman brings to the table.

On the alien planet, where the transporter took the crew, they see aliens herding humans for some nefarious cause, beats me what that cause that could be, and our heroes are going to set these humans free.  They suck at that by the way.  On Earth, Chris the fireman and his ax is kicking alien orb ass in search of his daughter.   He's great at that by the way.  In fact, he's so good at it, with humanity itself apparently coming to an end, we are transporting him and his ax to the alien planet to teach those alien bastards a lesson.  While an unstoppable alien force and a fireman with an ax might seem a little lopsided, you haven't seen this guy go.

Allrighty… directed by James Kondelik who helped direct the last Asylum film we saw in the shockingly entertaining 'Airplane vs. Volcano', we unfortunately can't say the same thing about 'Age of Tomorrow'.  The pacing is far too erratic because when this movie slows down, it is painfully slow… almost to the point of being unbearable.  The dual story lines aren't doing this film any favors allowing the audience to focus on nothing, though I guess if pressed we will choose the alien invasion over the Earth melodrama.  And without naming names, a few of our actors are truly awful.  It doesn't help that Robert Picardo performed in this movie like his next meal depended on it, so you have this veteran actor bringing the Shakespeare, even though he did most of this sitting in a chair, working with people who did the best they could to simply remember their lines, and it just didn't seem fair.

But even though 'Age of Tomorrow' is terrible… like most of these movies it still has its undeniable moments.  When the General passionately tells us it's 'The Most Important Assault in the history human kind', and we send a fireman with an ax and some old dude with a nine on this most important assault, that was kind of funny and kind played down the importance of the assault.  Eventually five more soldiers would transport in for the Most Important Assault, including a brother with a rocket launcher who at no point will ever use that rocket launcher.  And despite these soldiers and their awesome weapons, thank God for the fireman and his ax because he had to do ALL the killing.  Worse soldiers ever.  I also enjoyed the alien menace and their signature move, the right uppercut.  Clearly these aliens were trained by Lennox Lewis.  I did not know that the right mix of cellphone and fire extinguisher could be made into an incendiary time bomb.  I'm gonna try that one right now.  I'm no astronaut, but should there be earth-like gravity on a meteor hurtling through space?  I also can tell that the writers of the film are obviously huge fans of Paul Bunyan.   Our scientist, upon discovering themselves on another planet in what I assume is another galaxy, placed a dual antenna WiFi router next to a walkie-talkie to 'boost the signal'.  So help could come.  To another galaxy.  Those dudes at Linksys are geniuses.  Believe that. 

And besides, some of the special effects were actually pretty good, especially when we zeroed in on the queen of these aliens, Kelly Hu quite possibly could be hotter at 46 than she was at 26, and this movie is a lasting testament to the lunatic wielding a death dealing ax.  'Age of Tomorrow' is a terrible movie… no doubt… but as usual, there's always something in these things that at least makes it somewhat watchable.
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