Since EPIX HD was kind of enough to give me a fourteen day free trial of their movie service, not that I'm special or anything since I think anybody on the planet Earth not in China or Venezuela can get it too, I feel obligated to give them a free plug of their product which as far as I can tell in my limited access is pretty excellent. It is because of the largesse of EPIX HD that we here at the FCU were privileged to watch the world premier of the legendary Roger Corman's production of 'Attack of the 50ft. Cheerleader', a semi-competent compendium of complete nonsense and silicon filled boobs. Or, in other words, the movie is everything that you probably thought or hoped it would be.
Guess what? Cassie isn't ugly no more. Well… again… she looks pretty much the same just now with the Pantene treatment, they peeled off those fake acne marks off of her face and she has been blessed with a glorious set of fake boobs that I'm pretty sure she had before the anti-ugly, but they didn't show them to us beforehand so we can neither confirm nor deny. And she's no longer a klutz, totally showing the bitchy Brittany how to properly execute a slutty cheer which causes Brittany to howl in pissy anger. Just as a side note, if you choose to watch this movie your enjoyment will be heightened if you enjoy hearing actress Olivia Alexander howl in pissy anger.
Now Cassie's life is beyond awesome. She's beautiful, limber, athletic, popular and loved by all. Yes, she's kind of ditched Kyle who was digging on her a bit, but popular girls have little time for geeky grad assistants. Until, of course, the side effects kick in, this being uncontrolled gigantism. First Cassie went from about 5'9" to 7'6" which was apparently completely acceptable to most everybody, but when she went from 7'2" to 15' 4", now we gotta problem. Then by the time she hits 50 feet all heck is about to break loose. Worst still, the scurrilous CEO has plans for the gigantic cheerleader, not that I'm sure what these plans actually are. Worst still bitchy Brittany has gotten a double dose of the anti-ugly, not that she needed it of course, and now we have two gigantic bitches to deal with and if you think there is some way that these two are going engage in gigantic topless catfight… then you already know what's up.
Allrightythen… Attack of the 50ft. Cheerleader… what can we tell you about this movie by way of a review? Not much really, to be completely honest with you, at least as far as a semi-legitimate review is concerned. I guess we could comment on the acting but come on now, you know it was negligible. I guess Jena Sims and Olivia Alexander might be able to act, but they were doing other stuff which distracted me from paying attention to that. Treat Williams seemed to be having a ball chewing up some scenery playing the slimy CEO and it is good to see that Mary Woronov is still alive doing that thing she does. I also guess we could dissect the narrative but then… let's not. Let's just agree that it's about a very fit young woman who routinely grows out of her clothes. I mean you could unearth the socio-psychological commentary buried deep underneath decrying our reliance on technology to fix our lives and exposing the ugly underbelly of the false representation of beauty as perpetuated by the media, under the evil machinations of corporate control… but if that slipped past you and the viewer settled on the narrative being an excuse to show fit young women with enhanced boobs growing out of their clothes… I guess we could roll with that as a narrative as well.
But is 'Attack of the 50ft. Cheerleader' a good movie? Well… what exactly does the word 'good' mean anyway? What I can tell you is that this movie closed out with two gigantic women, both topless, having an MMA battle in the middle of a football field, right after one had drunk a keg of beer. Boobs. Football. Beer. Were I a defense attorney defending the worth of director Kevin O'Neil's 'Attack of the 50ft. Woman' I would smugly rest my case. Or as my sixteen year old son reported after the final credits rolled 'That was a fascinating waste of time'.
College freshman Cassie Stratford (Jena Simms) is ugly. Well, not really. It looks like Cassie needs a hair wash and touch of Clearasil and she'd be just fine but we will roll with the concept that Cassie is ugly. Cassie, due to the urgings of her mother Brenda (Sean Young) would like to be accepted to the hottest sorority in school but alas this sorority is lorded over by the evil Brittany (Olivia Alexander) who doesn't like ugly girls, but Cassie is a legacy so she's pretty much in. Cassie would also like to be a cheerleader, also lorded over by the evil and amazingly limber Brittany, but Cassie's no legacy there, in addition to being a complete klutz, so cheerleading ain't happening.
Cassie is also a genius science student helping her department head Dr. Higgs (Ted Raimi) and his top assistant Kyle (Ryan Merriman) develop an anti-ugly concoction for the scurrilous CEO of Anti-Ugly Corp Dr. Grey (Treat Williams). Dang if the anti-ugly doesn't work like a charm on lab mice which of course leads Cassie to unethically accelerating human trials on herself.