Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

Apparently our friends over at our absolute favorite film studio, The Asylum, were not content to create one 2012 disaster movie since they have dreamed up of a second 2012 disaster movie, theory being that ‘2012: Doomsday’ simply wasn’t crappy enough. That brings us to today’s movie ‘2012: Supernova’ which I think is a mockbuster mocking the big time Sony pictures flick ‘2012’. ‘2012: Doomsday’ was a religious movie more or less where this movie is a traditional disaster movie. So to speak. And yes, ‘2012: Supernova’ is absolutely terrible but guess what? It still managed to be scads better than ‘2012: Doomsday’.

200 or so years ago in a galaxy far, far away a sun went supernova. Problem with that is that today, today being the year 2012 I guess, that planet is carving a devastating path towards earth blowing up stuff like Pluto and Jupiter along the way and should be hitting earth just about any day now. The good thing for us is that we have Doc Kelvin (Brian Krause) on our side who has been top secretly working with the government to build a defense against these dangerous hydroponic radioactive neutrinos that plan to do us critical harm. But first he needs to make it to the NASA base with his incredibly bitchy wife Laura (Heather McComb) and hot daughter Tina (Najarra Townsend) in tow. Laura is upset because Doc Kelvin doesn’t share any of his top secret assignments with her. Asshole. After Doc Kelvin FINALLY gets his wife and daughter into the Yukon to drive to the base so he can save the planet earth they are unfortunately ambushed by Iranian terrorist. Please… don’t ask.

They somehow survive this attack and now it’s off to the base for the Doc while his wife and daughter are being personally escorted to the base by a couple of agents. Note that the earth is crumbling around them, but somehow the bitchy wife manages to convince these stupid ass agents to allow her to go the house to ‘pick up a few things’. I don’t know if we mentioned that earth is crumbling around them.

Doc has is own issues at the base, first he’s trying to make nice with his earth saving commie colleagues in the absolutely lovely Dr. Ye (Allura Lee) from China and the perpetually inebriated Dr. Dzerzhinsky (Alan Poe) from Russia, then it turns out this super hydroponic neutrino filled blast is accelerating at a much faster rate than initially estimated, worst still is the plan they have to Nuke the atmosphere… don’t ask… is in trouble because one of the space shuttles carrying some of the nukes has exploded. But the worst of it is that there is ninja at the base who is dead set against seeing the Doc and his crew save the earth. A freaking ninja. Gotta admit that I didn’t see that coming. The mystery, of course, is who among our crew is this Ninja? I don’t want to spoil it for you but the Ninja behind the mask seems to be a 5’2" female, and as far as we can tell we’ve only met one female at the base as of this point and time.

Regardless, Doc Kelvin and his crew have 8 hours to get on the space shuttle, dock at this space station, fight a ninja and launch the nukes to save the planet earth. All while his bitchy wife and hot daughter are being attacked by an inbred hillbilly. Don’t ask… just enjoy.

I think, considering how many Asylum movies I’ve rented… all on my own dime… that I have earned a sit in spot on one of their preproduction planning meetings. I want to witness, as they plot out their next film, that moment when someone pipes in with ‘what this movie really needs is a NINJA!’ It would be exhilarating to experience this first hand. It would also work because I would not be that lone voice of reason proclaiming how stupid it is put a ninja in a movie about trying to save the planet earth from evil neutrinos because personally, I think ninjas are awesome. I’d be that voice in the back of room going ‘hell yeah’...  under my breath.  Make this happen David Rimawi. I’ll even pay for my own airfare.

Still, even with the presence of the ninja, ‘2012: Supernova’ isn’t a very good movie in the grand scheme things as it is a combination of incredibly suspect science, stiff acting, and a nonsensical poorly paced storyline which probably lends itself more to the genre of humor than to thrills. By the time we met the hillbilly drooling over the hot daughter my side was hurting. Ninja’s and Hillbilly’s. Where the hell else are you gonna find a combination like that? There was also this establishing shot to let us know that our heroes were indeed at some air base as it showed a parked plane with a stealth bomber passing by. And they used that same shot over and over again.

But that’s negative stuff, let’s focus on the positive. First off, the CGI effects weren’t all that bad in my opinion. They weren’t ILM good or anything but they were passable for this movie as we got to see planets explode and stuff, and we also got a shot of a satellite blowing up. Over and over again. There were also a lot of cars driving off the sides of roads running from things like terrorist and tornadoes and junk that were also pretty well shot. Lets see… Londale Theus was in this movie, just like he was in ‘Transmorphers 2’, all of the women in this movie were very good looking and did we mention that this movie had Ninja’s, Hillbillies and Iranian terrorist in it? Well it does.

But as we’ve said before we don’t necessarily grade Asylum flicks against regular flicks but instead place them on a curve against their own movies and on that curve this wasn’t all that bad. As stupid as it may have been it was way more exciting and lucid than that other ‘2012’ flick they made and quite honestly it is probably in the top ten of all of the movies from The Asylum that I’ve seen to date. That means that it is better than ‘Alien vs. Hunter’ and the ‘DaVinci Treasure’ but it falls far below the lofty heights set by ‘Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus’.

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