12 Disasters of Christmas

Joseph (Ed Quinn) and Mary (Holly Elissa) will begat JayCee (Magda Apanowicz) and JayCee will be given the arduous task of absolving us all of our sins, and eventually saving the planet earth. No sir, this isn't the second book of Luke we're talking about but instead is the second week of December in the year of 2012 of which we speak of where the SyFy channel has aired yet another one of their original films. Today's epic is director Steven R. Monroe's 'The Twelve Disasters of Christmas' which is a mix of Mayan apocalyptic madness, faith based mayhem, Christmas Caroling Chaos, and Salem witch burning luncay with a small dose of Walmart small town destruction tossed in for good measure. Or in other words it's a holy mess. Just the way we like our SyFy Originals to be.

What exactly is going on? Well for that we need to meet town lunatic and Granny's former lover Grant (Donnelly Rhodes) who has informed us that everybody is going to die and JayCee is the only one who can stop it. Apparently he's been telling JayCee since she was a just a baby that everyone is going to die and she's the only one who can stop it which kind of ruined his booty call thing he had going on with Granny, but dang if it turns the town loon wasn't on the money with this one.

Turns out the Mayans knew that on 12/21/12 that the epicenter of the destruction of the Earth was going to take place in Idaho. I know, right? So they hid five golden rings in Idaho in a way that it would be damn near impossible to find when they needed them most. No worries because somehow the Mayans created a reminder of this day with their song 'The 12 Days of Christmas' which will always keep the importance of this day fresh in our minds. What you say? The Mayans didn't write that? Uh… Grant the town loon said they did, plus he has a book of wacky Mayan drawings that has Lords a Leaping and stuff in it, so now who's not as smart as they thought they were, huh?

To stop this onslaught from taking place, it's going to be up to JayCee, along with her old man Joseph to find the Five Golden Rings which give her the power to end this horror that is taking place in this small town. But damn if this realities version of Sam Walton, Kane the evil big box store developer (Roark Chritchlow) has gotten a hold of the Mayan book… because Joseph handed it to him… and has interpreted one of the pictures to mean that JayCee needs to be burnt at the stake in order to save us all. Because the picture had a young chick wearing five gold rings being burnt at a stake, which, admittedly, had me drawing the same damn conclusion.

So the race is on. Idaho is about to burn which will burn the planet, JayCee might be able to save us but only if she can escape the wrath of Kane who is dead set on burning her to death. I would like to tell you that excitement awaits, but that would be an untruth.

The short of it is that overall 'The 12 Disasters of Christmas' is too slow moving, underacted by the majority of the cast, and makes less than zero sense… but it is the fact that it is so insanely wacky that does lend to it a modicum of charm and entertainment value.

My first question, of many I shouldn't be asking, is who is behind this apocalyptic madness? Satan? God? Maher? And why Idaho of all places? I mean Mayans in Idaho? Who knew? Yes, it's going to take a Mayan descendent to save us and sure Magda Aponowicz doesn't look very Mayan, or eighteen for that matter, but that's what you get with generations of European cross breeding, as told to us by Grant the Loon. That's inspired dialog right there. You would also think that a culture that had the power to shape and predict the future could draw better. Also I didn't see a single Lady Dancing in this movie or Piper's Piping or Drummers drumming or nuthin'! The Mayans totally sucked at writing that song! Truth be told even the golden rings were weak, looking more like tarnished brass.

I cannot, at least with a clear conscious, recommend that anybody see this slow moving slop… BUT… it is a SyFy Original and we watch these things no matter what and as such you've probably watched it and hated it already. But underneath your disdain, if you look hard enough as we always tend to do with this stuff, there is some gold here. Mayan's in Idaho… gold.